pick-me
noun
| PIK-me
Someone disingenuously seeking attention or approval; relating to such a person or behavior
What does pick-me mean?
Pick-me (or pick me) is a slang term for a person, usually a young woman, seen as behaving in a contemptible way for attention and approval, usually from male peers. It is most often used in the expression pick-me girl, which disparages a young woman who is seen as faking interest in stereotypically male activities or conforming to traditional values at the expense of other women. It also used in pick-me boy, referring to a young man who feigns emotional vulnerability to win the attention of women. More generally, pick-me can refer to anyone thought to be trying too hard to earn acceptance.
Examples of pick-me
Have you ever been a “pick me” employee, faculty member, or entrepreneur? I was. … Being young, a woman of color, and not underprivileged made me a unique hire. Yet, who I was did not align with some colleagues' preconceived notions. So, I tried to fit in by overworking.
—Dr Kimberly Adams Tufts, LinkedIn, 2 Oct. 2024
Imagine being such a pick-me. Nobody that grovels this much has a good marriage. Doormat.
—just got called a pick me girl bc i said that i enjoy cooking for my bf because it’s my love language …
—Any man who’s your “yes man” 9 times out of 10 he’s a pick me.
—
Where does pick-me come from?
Pick-me is based on the phrase "pick me," apparently meant as a caricature of a person imploring someone to choose them over others. While its exact origins are unclear, the phrase is popularly traced to a scene in a 2005 episode of the TV medical drama Grey’s Anatomy where the titular Meredith Grey asks—or, to many, begs—Derek Shepherd to pick her over his estranged wife. The term first spread online in 2016 on Twitter as part of a trend, started among Black women, calling on users to parody supposed behaviors of a pick-me using the hashtag #TweetLikeAPickMe. Many of these posts characterized pick-me girls as comically submissive to men.
The specific phrase pick-me girl went viral on social media in the early 2020s, starting on TikTok in skits mocking pick-me girls as desperately seeking attention from men and demeaning women to do it. The videos portrayed pick-me girls apt to say they were “not like other girls,” pretending to enjoy stereotypically male activities, such as sports and video games, while distancing themselves from female stereotypes, such as a concern for their appearance or love of shopping. By 2021, the phrase pick-me boy spread, caricaturing young men seen as manipulating young women into liking them by pretending to be emotionally sensitive and self-deprecating. In addition to concerns about bullying, the popularity of pick-me prompted popular discussion on topics of both toxic femininity and masculinity, including whether the insult exposed or perpetuated harmful behaviors.
How is pick-me used?
Pick-me is used as a noun, as in “She is acting like such a pick-me when she claims she doesn’t like salads.” It is also used as an adjective, as in the phrases pick-me girl or boy, pick-me colleague, or pick-me energy. It is most commonly used as an insult, varying in intensity, primarily against young women.
However, it is increasingly being used more generally, and usually negatively, in reference to anyone seen as working too hard or underhandedly to gain acceptance or approval, especially of people in greater positions of power, status, or esteem, such as an employer or dominant social group.
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